Assertiveness and Assertive communication

Assertiveness means expressing your point of view in a way that is clear and direct, while still respecting others. Communicating in an assertive manner can help you to: minimize conflict. control anger. have your needs better met.

Assertive communication could easily be confused with other forms of communication. In this section, we will learn what are the differences between assertive communication from aggressive and passive communication.

Aggressive communication occurs when a speaker is concerned with only their perspective and personal goals rather than considering those of their listener. Individuals who exhibit aggressive behavior are often focused on reaching their goals immediately without considering possible long-term negative consequences. While aggressive communicators might succeed in having their voices heard, they also alienate those around them and negatively impact their own success in the long haul.

Passive communication occurs when an individual doesn’t voice their own perspective, feelings, or needs and routinely conforms to the preferences of others. Unlike aggressive communicators, passive communicators consider the potential consequences of their communication style but end up sidelining themselves for others. Research suggests that passive communicators might end up feeling depressed, helpless, and tense as a result of their communication style.

Assertiveness in communication is the ability to directly state your feelings and needs in a respectful manner. An assertive communication style neither shrinks from speaking up nor aggressively forces a perspective on someone else. Assertive communication is directed by the followings of effective communication:  

• Be clear: you communicate in a straightforward way that directly states your thoughts and feelings without dressing up your language.  
• Be consistent: what you say today reflects what you said yesterday, rather than changing daily without explanation.
• Be courteous: you respect your listener and communicate in a manner that doesn’t pass judgment on them or presume ill-intent.

By maintaining clear, consistent, and courteous communication, assertive communicators can speak up and voice their perspectives without disrespecting others.

 

How to be assertive in communication: tips and examples

Assertive communication is all about getting your point of view across to others without causing conflict. While every situation is unique, there are some consistent methods you can use to maintain respectful assertive communication with others.

 

Scenario	Aggressive response	Passive response	Assertive response
A friend shows up late to a movie you really wanted to see, causing you both to miss it.	“You are always late and never think about anyone else but yourself!”	“It’s fine. I didn’t want to see it that much anyway!”	“I’m really disappointed we missed the movie because I really wanted to see it. Next time, I’d like us to pick a time that works better for your schedule.”
A person cuts ahead in a line you have been waiting in.	“What’s wrong with you? I’ve got to be somewhere!”	“Don’t worry about it!”	“Pardon me, but I have been waiting in line for a while and have to be someplace soon. Would you mind waiting your turn?”
A friend expects you to pay for dinner for the second time in a row.	“I always have to pay for you! All you ever do is take!”	“I’ve got it, don’t worry.”	“It frustrates me that I am paying for dinner again because I have been running low on cash. Next time, I’d appreciate it if you paid for us.”

 

Use “I” Statements

“I” statements are a form of communication in which the speaker describes their own beliefs and feelings rather than attributing motives to a listener. The opposite of “I” statements are “you” statements, which shift blame from the speaker to the listener through accusatory language.  

A common formula for “I” statements is:

“I feel ____ when ____ because ____. What I need/ want is _____.”

For Instance, “I feel sad when you don’t call me back because I would like to hear from you. Could you let me know the best time to talk?”

Using “I” statements allows you to diffuse tension with a listener by offering insight into your internal feelings. This can help the listener see how their actions made you feel and redirect their focus on solutions, rather than projecting accusatory motives for their actions that only further heighten tensions.

Stick to the facts

When disagreements arise, conversations can occasionally get heated and veer off course. To help keep things civil when you are voicing your perspective to another person, focus on the facts at hand rather than letting your feelings cause you to speculate about the other person’s motives.

In keeping attention on the facts, you focus the conversation on things that can be handled at the moment and work towards solutions that benefit everyone. At the same time, keeping your focus on what you know to be true helps minimize the negative emotions that can arise from speculating about another person’s motives.

Be aware of your body language

Another aspect of how others receive your communication is through your body language. Do you close yourself off and turn away when someone is talking to you or do you open up and give them your undivided attention?

To embody assertive body language, stand tall in a straight but relaxed way, maintain eye contact, and keep your body open with uncrossed arms. Showing interest with an open demeanor will highlight both your respect for them and yourself.

Learn to say “No”  

It can often seem much easier to say “yes” to more responsibilities than to decline someone’s request for help – even when you know you have other concerns that require your attention.

In fact, saying “no” to more responsibilities is sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves and our employers. A good way to decline someone’s request is simply to say “no” and offer a brief explanation for why you can’t help. If the other person attempts to push the issue further, simply tell them “sorry” and reiterate that you don’t have the time. In some cases, you may also be able to redirect them to another person or an external resource that you feel might be able to help.

Maintain a calm tone

The way you communicate a message is often as important as the message itself. As a result, it is important to maintain a calm tone of voice when you are asserting your perspective, feelings, or needs in conversation with someone else.

To communicate assertively, you should focus on maintaining an even tone of voice that remains calm and free of aggressive emotions. By using this technique, you will get your message across to the listener without exacerbating any possible tensions. 

Training exercise: The group plays out situations in pairs, based on the situation cards distributed, and they are randomly assigned conflict management and communication styles to solve them.

The rest of the team observes the process and gives feedback at the end of the process on how the communication could have been adapted to end up as a win-win situation.

Tools for the exercise: Situation cards, communication method cards. Flip-Chart, Post-it – 4 colors, Blue Tech, Markers.